Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
