Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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