i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
