You smell like stripper and shame
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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