She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
