My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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