Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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