Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
