I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
