I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
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If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
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your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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