I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
