Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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