How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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