She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize