I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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