The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
