I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
