So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
