What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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