I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
