opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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