Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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