Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
