all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
