Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
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They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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