Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
