I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
