college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
