Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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