I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
