Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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