Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
