I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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