If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Is it penis luge time yet?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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