you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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