his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
