God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
try to milk me bitch
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