I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
