Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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