He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
