It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
