She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
