Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
