I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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