also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
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She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
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The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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