So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
