i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
