I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
