You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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