I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i believe in u and ur pee
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
