We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
