a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
