Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
