Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
