"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My life is pants optional.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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