I need to stop coming to work sober
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
