Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
