How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
