I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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