WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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