the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
no, he came in my armpit
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
