I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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