Your dad touched me again.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
